


Numb [Larry Stylinson One-Shot]

by ElegantSurrender



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nouis, One Shot, Self-Harm, Suicide, Triggers, depressed!harry, larry stylinson - Freeform, one direction - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-25
Updated: 2015-01-25
Packaged: 2018-03-09 01:14:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3230669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElegantSurrender/pseuds/ElegantSurrender
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[Warning for mentions of self-mutilation, as well as attempted suicide]</p><p>And it all led to tonight, where Harry nearly downed a bottle of pills he had left in his bathroom. He had gotten as far as putting them into his mouth, his way out was right there, but he knew he couldn’t do that to Niall. He didn’t think of Louis as he spit them out one by one, flushing them down the toilet with the rest. Because he knew Louis didn’t care, otherwise he would’ve stopped ignoring him, he would’ve.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Numb [Larry Stylinson One-Shot]

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Mentions of suicide and self-mutilation. Read with caution. 
> 
> I have this on Wattpad as well (StylinsonDreamer), but I decided to post it on here as well. Thanks for reading, hope you enjoy.

He didn’t know what else to do. He knew what he was doing was wrong, but he couldn’t stop himself. He needed his old best friend, he needed Louis.

After the stress of ‘Larry Stylinson’, it pulled the two apart. Harry found himself falling apart, but Louis seemed to be okay; he had Eleanor. Harry tried to find someone else, he did, but nobody could replace the hole in his heart that Louis had left.

They hadn’t ever been together, but their friendship drifted. He started calling less, he started talking to the others instead, purposely avoiding him. Harry didn’t know what to do, he had found himself lost. And to this day, he never found himself. Louis was his map, the one that always directed him back to earth. But now he was gone, and he didn’t know what to do.

Niall had tried to fix him, he really did, but nothing he did could help. Harry fell into a deep, deep depression, one which his mother couldn’t even fix. He was able to live up for the cameras, but inside, he felt himself diminishing. The one person who was always there for him, wasn’t anymore. And he couldn’t understand why.

Months seemed to drift and drift by, and eventually, he started to feel a little less numb. It was still there, gnawing away at every piece of his being, but not as much. But then it happened, the one thing Harry had hoped would never happen.

Louis proposed to Eleanor. Right in front of him.

It wasn’t just him, it was the other boys as well. Everyone had cooed and cheered at the couple, other than Harry. He just watched as the person he loved slipped further out of his fingers, leaving him cold. He had run out that night, and Louis had immediately felt guilty (Though Harry never knew that), and he was the one who made Niall check on him.

Niall was glad that Louis had reminded him to go, because he found the kid in a puddle of his own tears, emptying his stomach at some restaurant’s bathroom across the street.

And after that, he just wasn’t the same. He went back to feeling numb, and this time, he really couldn’t hide anything. Louis seemed to purposely keep his eyes away, which made him hurt even more.

That’s when he had found the scissors on the counter, and decided to swipe the blade harshly across his delicate skin. But he hadn’t known what he was doing, and he had cut too deep. He had called Louis on accident, he meant Niall, he did, and he had started crying and blurting out everything he’d done before he could realize who was on the other end.

Louis had taken him, begging to know why he would do such a thing. He never got an answer, and while they fixed the gashes on his wrist, he whispered sweet nothings to the boy sitting broken before him, unable to keep still as he stared off.

After that, Louis kept his eyes on him, but nothing was ever said. And he always glanced away before Harry could notice, so he felt like he did before the incident. Maybe even worse, because Louis had seen first-hand what he was doing to him, and still didn’t say anything.

And that all led to tonight, where Harry nearly downed a bottle of pills he had left in his bathroom. He had gotten as far as putting them into his mouth, his way out was right there, but he knew he couldn’t do that to Niall. He didn’t think of Louis as he spit them out one by one, flushing them down the toilet with the rest. Because he knew Louis didn’t care, otherwise he would’ve stopped ignoring him, he would’ve.

He had tried to call Niall, but he hadn’t picked up. He was probably off with his real friends, ones who could manage to control themselves. He couldn’t stay home, he felt like the walls were suffocating him, he had to go somewhere. So he let his heart and feet guide him, and they landed him in front of Louis’s apartment.

His hand shook as he lifted it up, softly tapping on the door. He wasn’t sure if Louis had heard it, and maybe if he didn’t, he would just walk away. He really had no business being at his doorstep, Louis no doubt didn’t want him there. So he started to walk away, but the door then slid opened, and a soft, familiar voice called out to him.

“Harry, love, what is it? It’s two in the morning.” He whispered, not an ounce of anger in his voice. Harry slowly guided himself over to the shorter boy, who didn’t even seem a little bit tired. He knew him well enough to know Louis wasn’t asleep, as his ADHD always left him awake till the sun came out. But he didn’t even know that it was so late, he had just went. That’s probably why Niall hadn’t picked up the phone.

Harry just murmured the truth, “I almost killed myself” falling off his lips so easily, that Louis thought he had misinterpreted. But then he realized that in fact, he hadn’t, and a small cry escaped from his lips. Harry just stared at him, not seeming to understand what the big deal was. And that look made Louis rush to his arms, pulling up his sleeves to reveal all the harm he had done.

He hadn’t stopped. How could he? That one time he had been messy about it, but the others, they were done with a sickly precision. A precision Harry seemed to master within a couple weeks of practicing.

Harry just watched as Louis fell apart in front of him, and he couldn’t understand why he suddenly was so upset. A familiar “Why did you do this to yourself?” escaped him, but Louis then seemed to remember what he said before, his eyes widening in horror, a look that burned itself into Harry’s mind. “What did you do, Harry? Tell me right fucking now, please.”

Harry then fell apart himself, and Louis had to catch him before he collapsed into himself. He could feel Louis shaking beside him, and even though he knew he should be mad, he felt guilty. He knew Louis could fake his words, he knew that for a fact, but he knew he couldn’t alter his own physical ticks. He sobbed into his ex-best friend’s neck, whispering that they were in his mouth, that he was so close to doing it, but he couldn’t just because of Niall. Niall, who probably just felt pity towards him, since he had drawn himself away from all of the others.

Louis then pulled them both into his apartment, shutting the door and keeping his arms around the kid in front of him.

“I’m so fucking glad you didn’t Harry, I hope you know how much I love you. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I lost you.”

But how dare he say that? How could he still love Harry, if all he did was keep himself away from him? And lose him? He was pushing him away, making Harry feel he lost Louis. So he was already gone, really.

“Then why do you ignore me?” The words jumped from his chapped lips, sadness dripping from every syllable. Louis only gripped his shirt tighter, his tears not calming down in the slightest.

“I don’t mean to, Harry, I don’t… I’m so sorry, did I-I cause this? Oh god…”

Louis felt sick with himself at that moment. This loneliness he left Harry with, he never thought it had hurt him so bad. Yeah, he looked sad a lot of times, but he never figured it was because of himself. He had always convinced himself that no, it wasn’t him, it was Zayn not being there because he was sick. Or the passing away of his favorite cartoonist. Or losing his lucky charm he took with him everywhere he went. But never himself.

Harry couldn’t look at him, because the truth was, he had. He couldn’t tell the horrified kid in front of him that, even though that’s all he’s ever wanted to do. He couldn’t have Louis hate himself the way he hated himself. So he just shook his head, but it wasn’t enough. Louis just could tell what the boy was thinking, a result of knowing him for so long.

“Harry, honey, I never meant…” He covered his mouth with his hand, squeezing his eyes shut as if he could erase all the bad he’s done. But he can’t, he opens them up, and a broken Harry is still in front of him. A once happy, fun-loving Harry that he destroyed with his bare hands.

He loved Harry with all of his heart, how could he have done this? How could he have let this façade go on so long, and not tell him? “You’re such a douchebag” was the only thing he could say to himself, because that’s what he was. He was a horrible, horrible douchebag.

“She’s not real, Harry.” He slipped, he wasn’t supposed to tell him. But he nearly took his own life, how could he hide it from him any longer? He was so foolish to go along with his contract, it wasn’t worth putting Harry though so much pain, so much hurt. He should’ve found a loophole, should’ve found _something_. “They set me up with her, I don’t love her. It’s just for the media, it’s so people would stop thinking about us being together. They wouldn’t let me tell you, that’s why I didn’t, Harry.”

That made Harry feel something, he felt… Angry. Betrayed. And then he was walking back towards the door, and Louis was screaming for him to stop, in fear he’d leave and never come back. And the choked sob that erupted from the back of the older boy’s throat made him stop, because he knew he wasn’t stable, and he couldn’t leave Louis here all in a mess, even though Louis had done that to him. His mother had told him that two wrongs don’t make a right, and he stuck to it. Definitely when it came to people he cared so much about, people he loved so much, people he would die for.

“All this time, I thought you hated me, did you know that?” His words came out like venom, but he hadn’t meant for them too. It’s just that he hadn’t dealt with feelings for a while, so they were sharp, overly strong. But he didn’t apologize, because no, he had a right to be angry, even if he didn’t walk away.

“I didn’t, I didn’t know… You hung out with Niall practically every day, I thought you were okay…”

“Okay?” That dreadful venomous tone came back again, and Louis cringed at its reappearance. “I’m not okay! I haven’t been okay in so long, I don’t even… remember what okay feels like.”

“Then let me remind you.” Louis half-whispers, quiet, because he’s unsure. Unsure if what he plans to do next is the right move, but he can’t think of anything else. He doesn’t know what to do to fix this, because he screwed up so badly.

Harry just stares at him, and doesn’t say anything, waiting to see what he means. How could Louis show him what ‘okay’ felt like? There was nothi-

But yet there was something. Louis had stepped closer, and Harry hadn’t noticed that until Louis’s lips met Harry’s chapped ones, which were coaxed in a familiar flavor; cherry. Louis remembered that taste from when he kissed him a long time ago, when all the boys were at a party, playing spin the bottle with twenty other people. When Louis spun and it landed on Harry, he had blushed, saying he didn’t have to kiss him if he didn’t want to. “I know you’re not… You don’t like guys, so it’s okay.” He had told him, a soft smile across his sixteen year-old cheeks. But Louis had shook his head, giving him this giant grin as he collided his lips with Harry’s. And they tasted like cherry chapstick, which had made him swoon on the inside.

Harry didn’t know what he felt, but he felt another spark of something. He was dazed but he let himself get lost again, shutting his eyes as he moved his lips against Louis’s. It somehow calmed him, but he wasn’t sure if he really felt ‘okay’. Louis then pulled away, his hand hesitantly going near the younger boy’s cheeks, before carefully swiping away the leftover tears.

A soft “Don’t let me go again” then fell into the air, so soft that Louis almost didn’t hear it. But he did, and he wrapped his arms so tightly around the curly-haired boy in front of him, he wasn’t sure if the kid could breathe. But he didn’t care, because he needed to be reminded that the boy was okay, that he in fact didn’t kill himself tonight. But really, he wasn’t okay, but he was going to fix that. He was going to fix the mess he had made, because it was only right. And because he loved him so much, he couldn’t bear to have Harry feel this way any longer.

“I won’t sweetheart, I won’t. I’m right here, okay? I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” He murmured into his skin, as his shortness left him against Harry’s chest. He wished he was taller, able to cradle Harry’s head in his chest, but there wasn’t any way to change that. When they were living together so many years before, Louis used to cling to his back, the only way he could be the big spoon. Harry had always whispered that he had no problem holding him, but Louis knew Harry liked to be the little one for once. Definitely because in age, Harry was tinier. They were a couple years apart, and it really made a difference in maturity. Not in a bad way, no, but in a normal way.

“Okay.” Was the only reply Harry gave, and to Louis, it was enough. The kid understood him, and that’s all he needed to know. He was sure there were doubts floating in his head, he had every reason to have them, so he would try his best to throw them out. Harry didn’t deserve doubts, he deserved to know he was loved, that people cared. He had been deprived of that way too long.

And so Louis led Harry to the bathroom, whispering sweet nothings to him as he started a warm bath, to hopefully warm up his cold skin. Harry let him undress him, let him expose him. But that was okay because they had bathed together before, even though they had never moved from the ‘just friends’ level. Harry had once been scared about bathing alone, after some horror film the two watched together. So Louis had sat in the bath with him, not caring one bit that they were naked in the same tub. Both of them had felt so safe in each other’s presences, that they didn’t have any worries.

And even though it had been a long time since their last bath together, and so much pain was going on in-between that time, the bath was nearly the same as always. Louis getting in, then pulling Harry on his lap, letting him rest against his back. Then Louis running his hands through the boy’s restless curls, until he was an adorable little mess, purring in content. Then washing his hair and body, making sure he’s nice and clean. The only difference was that Harry was much quieter, and Louis had to be extra careful with his arms, because they were damaged and abused. He kissed each little and big cut, as if apologizing to each one, wishing he hadn’t done what he did.

Louis helped him out of the bath, making sure he was steady. He dried him off completely, giving him some of the clothes he never had the heart to get rid of. Harry felt another ping of feeling when Louis handed them to him, seeming to be hesitant to give them up. It was like he found them to be a prized possession, even though all it was was an old t-shirt and a raggedy pair of sweatpants. But Harry instantly knew why he was upset when he let them go, because as soon as he slid them on, he could smell Louis all over him. That was what he had kept of Harry’s, because he was forced to let go of his heart.

Noticing how scared Louis seemed to be without the clothes, he suddenly felt important, for once in his life. He had then slid the shirt off, putting it over Louis’s head before he had the chance to get his own. “I don’t want a shirt.” He had whispered, claiming that it was much too hot to have one. Louis didn’t fight with him, he had no wish to fight, and laid down, bringing Harry along with him. They seamlessly found their positions, Louis curling into Harry’s chest, and Harry’s arms tightly wrapping around him, securing that he wouldn’t go anywhere.

“I love you Harry, okay? I might’ve not been showing it, but I do… So much…” Louis whispered, leaving a light kiss on his chest. Harry hesitated as he nodded, unsure if he was being completely honest. But at the moment, he did feel a little bit of love, and for now, that was enough.

“Okay… I love you too, Lou.”

And they both fell asleep after that, both of them unsure of what would happen in the morning. But for now, that didn’t matter. It just mattered that for now, they were both safe in each other’s arms, both of them feeling warm, and for the first time in forever, loved. Truly, truly, loved.


End file.
